Roles, Order, and Love: The Original Marriage Blueprint

Marriage is not an institution created by man. It does not belong to the church or the state. Marriage began in the Garden, formed by the hand of The Most High YAH, our Elohim. From the beginning, when YAH looked upon man, He had marriage in mind. So He formed a helper—a counterpart—a woman taken from his very own flesh, for him.

“YAH Elohim also said, “It is not good (tov) for the man to be alone. I will make for him a suitable helper.””

— Genesis 2:18

That is the foundational truth. Marriage is a divine design meant to reflect unity, order, righteousness, and functional purpose. It is YAH’s way for the continuation of mankind. When husband and wife operate as YAH intended—becoming echad (one) in purpose and flesh—they can walk together in intimacy, fruitfulness, and peace before Elohim.

Yet today, we live in a world where YAH-given marital roles are mocked, flipped, and rejected. Dysfunction replaces design because mankind has strayed from YAH’s blueprint. If you believe marriage can be redefined by modern cultures, this may not be the blog for you. But if you believe in truth, if you’re seeking truth, keep reading—you may find clarity.

The Distinctive Foundational Order

Every functioning system—whether a nation, business, or household—requires structure. Marriage is no different. The Most High YAH is not the author of confusion. He established distinct roles for husbands and wives—not to create hierarchy for its own sake, but to enable proper function & purpose—wholeness/peace/shalom.

Just as YAH divided day from night and land from sea, He created distinction and order in marriage to bring about tov shalom—functional completeness and divine peace. When we ignore His order, we exchange tov (functional design) for ra’ah (dysfunction, brokenness).

So, what roles restore order and reflect His will?

The Husband’s Role: Shepherding in Torah

The husband is called by YAH to lead—not through harshness or pride, but in righteousness as a follower of The Messiah. A husband’s leadership begins with his personal obedience to YAH’s Torah (instruction). Like The Messiah Yahoshua leads His assembly, a husband is to lead his wife—sacrificing, protecting, cleansing her with the Word (Torah). A husband emulates YAH’s shepherding ways, selflessly providing for his own:

“YAH is my shepherd; I have everything I need.”

— Psalm 23:1

“I (Yahoshua) am The Good Shepherd. The good shepherd lays down His life for the sheep.”

— John 10:11

A husband must imitate The Good Shepherd: caring, guiding, and laying down his life in love. It’s a duty of service and he must be a hard worker and provider:

“You will have to work hard and sweat to make the soil produce anything…”

— Genesis 3:19

“… If anyone is unwilling to work, he shall not eat.”

— 2 Thessalonians 3:10

“Whatever you do, work at it with your whole being, for YAH and not for men,”

— Colossians‬ ‭3‬:‭23‬ ‭‬‬

Yet, a husband’s work in marriage must also be done in gentleness:

“Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them… Fathers, do not provoke your children, so they will not become discouraged.”

— Colossians 3:19, 21

A righteous husband is not a tyrant. He guards YAH’s Word, walks in Torah, and sets the tone of the home with humility, love, and unwavering obedience as a servant of Elohim.

The Wife’s Role: Supporting with Purpose

The wife is neither weak nor called to dominate. She is the ezer kenegdo—a suitable helper—strong in wisdom and clear about her purpose. A righteous wife supports her husband’s righteous leadership, rather than resisting it. Her role is to complement and help build, supplementing order and functionality, not contributing to disorder or dysfunction.

“Every wise woman builds her house, but a foolish one tears it down with her own hands.”

Proverbs‬ ‭14‬:‭1‬‬‬

When a wife reverences and honors her husband’s role, by walking with him, in obedience to YAH, the family is positioned to thrive. But if she rebels or undermines YAH’s order, dysfunction displaces functionality, setting the stage for destruction.

“I want you to understand that the head of every man is Messiah, the head of a woman is man, and the head of Messiah is Elohim.”

— 1 Corinthians 11:3

“Now as the assembly submits to Messiah, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.”

Ephesians‬ ‭5‬:‭24‬ ‭‬‬

Since a good husband is like a good shepherd, then a good wife is like a good sheep—not a wild, rebellious goat. She is responsive and loyal. She strengthens her home through humility and reverence, not through rivalry or pride.

“He who finds a wife finds a good (tov, function-enhancing) thing and obtains favor from YAH.”

— Proverbs 18:22

“She brings him good (tov) and not harm all the days of her life.”

— Proverbs 31:12

When Roles Flip, So Does the Outcome

The breakdown of marital roles isn’t new. In Genesis 3, Chawwah (Eve) led her husband Adam into sin. Adam followed her voice over YAH’s—and they both fell. The results? Shame. Blame. Separation. And after a round of the blame game from the first husband & wife, YAH’s verdict for the wife was:

“… Your desire shall be for your husband, and he shall rule over you.”

— Genesis 3:16

The struggle for order persists even today. Many women continue to desire marriage while also wanting to exert authority over men—just as YAH said they would. This situation is exacerbated by men who are passive, absent, or negligent in fulfilling their role. Furthermore, children are increasingly in control of their parents while also dysfunctionally influencing modern society and culture. YAH warned us about these developments:

“Children oppress My people, and women rule over them… Your guides mislead you.”

— Isaiah 3:12

“Woe to those who call evil good and good evil, who turn darkness to light and light to darkness, who replace bitter with sweet and sweet with bitter.”

— Isaiah‬ ‭5‬:‭20‬ ‭‬‬

When we abandon YAH’s design, we invite dysfunction into the home. Many have learned to call dysfunctional households “good homes”, despite the red flags, long-term/never-ending issues, or blatant sins. Many marriages can be repaired, but not while dysfunction is mislabeled, misidentified, or ignored. Judge righteously, respond accordingly, build/rebuild according to YAH’s blueprint.

Love and The Legal System: Count the Cost

Marriage is fun, it’s a blessing, it’s sacred—but it is also serious business. It is both a set-apart covenant before YAH and a secular legal contract between two people. Many marry with dreams of bliss and sunny days for life, failing to consider and prepare for storms. Yahoshua said:

“Which of you, wanting to build a tower, does not first sit down and count the cost?”

— Luke 14:28

That’s why I encourage every couple to consider a ketuba—a written covenant that outlines mutual expectations and protections.

In addition to recording the joy of the union, a legally recognized ketuba can include:

– Terms of and allowances for divorce

– Stewardship and distribution of shared assets

– Support and care for children

It can also be thought of as a righteous prenup—a ketuba can lay out the “fine print” of the marriage covenant up front, and it can be recited annually. It can help protect both husband and wife, in times of peace but especially in times of pressure. A ketuba can serve as a reminder of vows and shared commitments, helping to slow down rash or emotional decisions. As seasons change and families grow, it can be updated with addendums to reflect new realities. In this way, a ketuba becomes a functional, anti-divorce safeguard. After all, let us never forget how YAH feels about divorce, allow me to paraphrase:

“For I hate divorce,” says YAH. “Guard yourselves in your spirit and do not break faith, keep the covenant you made with your companion.”

— Malachi 2:14-16

In the passage above, the Hebrew verb שָׂנֵא (sane’) is used and it means “to hate” or “to detest.” The context of the passage in Malachi 2 is YAH rebuking unfaithful marriages, those who break the covenant of marriage. YAH views unjust divorce as violence against the covenant relationship—both the one between husband and wife and the one between Israel and Himself.

Married Life: Faith, Fidelity & Readiness

When we think of marriage, romantic love often takes center stage (you might even hear the tune of Love and Marriage playing in your head). But beyond romance, a lasting marriage requires selflessness, sacrifice, patience, and forgiveness. Marriage is YAH’s chosen vehicle for building families and nations—it’s the righteous path to fulfilling His very first command to humanity: “Be fruitful and multiply, and fill the earth and subdue it” (Genesis 1:28).

When lived YAH’s way, marriage brings joy, fulfillment, prosperity, legacy, and strength. It can—and should—be a blessing! But no one should rush into it out of loneliness, desperation, or fear. Especially when we understand how seriously YAH views the covenant of two becoming one flesh.

If you are single and desiring marriage—understand that this is the best time to become the husband or wife that will be found acceptable to YAH. Before marriage, prepare your heart, mind, and habits. Learn to love and submit to YAH fully—first. Only then are you ready to love and respect a spouse. Marriage ain’t for the weak, it will require you to be meek:

“Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth.”

— Matthew‬ ‭5‬:‭5‬‬‬

“Submit to one another in fear of The Messiah.”‬‬

— Ephesians‬ ‭5‬:‭21‬ ‭‬‬

🔎 A few key questions and reflections for those preparing for marriage:

Women especially should ask not just, “What kind of husband do I want?” but first:

“Am I ready and able to be a suitable helper—fit to help my husband walk in honor and obedience to YAH?”

Men likewise should ask not only, “What kind of wife do I want?” but also:

“Am I ready and able to be a trustworthy shepherd—worthy to lead my wife in righteousness and love under YAH’s authority?”

I started with the wives first, for a couple of reasons:

• According to multiple studies, women are more likely to desire marriage than men.

• And nearly 70% of divorces in the U.S. are initiated by women (American Sociological Association).

This isn’t about casting blame—it’s about encouraging maturity and thoughtful preparation. Before any wedding bells ring, there should be prayerful reflection, answers to those prayers, premarital counsel and approval, as well as honest self-examination and course correction. Both individuals must understand what they are giving and what they are gaining—but I especially urge future wives to understand their role on the deepest level possible. For instance, according to Torah, a wife’s vows—even those made directly to YAH—can be confirmed or annulled by her husband (see Numbers 30:6–8, 10–16). This shows the weight of headship and the serious spiritual authority that comes with marriage. As we started by saying: Marriage is not an institution created by man. It does not belong to the church or the state. Marriage is ordained by YAH.

“… A man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’. So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what YAH has joined together, let man not separate.”

Matthew‬ ‭19‬:‭5‬-‭6‬ ‭‬‬

Commitment should take precedence over feelings, and vows should be valued more than emotions. When you say “for better or worse” during your wedding ceremony, remember that this vow remains important, even if you experience unhappiness in your marriage. It’s essential to work towards honoring your vows and to seek counseling when you need assistance.

The Revelation of the Marriage Mystery

As we close, let us remember: marriage between man and woman reflects a sacred mystery—the Messiah and His bride, the assembly. Just as Yahoshua leads in love, we are called to follow in trust and honor, preparing ourselves to be presented to Him—without spot or blemish—washed clean through the Word, YAH’s Torah.

Husbands: Study to show yourselves approved. Lead your wives and children in The Way, with wisdom, humility, and strength.

Wives: Embrace the cleansing that comes through Torah as your husbands lead in spirit and truth, walking together in unity before YAH.

Marriage done YAH’s way reveals the heart of YAH. It becomes a testimony, a ministry, and a light.

📖 Stay tuned for the next blog:

“When the Covenant Breaks: What Torah and Yahoshua Say About Divorce.”

Because even when marriages fall apart, YAH offers truth, grace, and a righteous way forward.

Until next time, shalom ✌🏾
~Yahrahn
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Read and meditate on these passages:

“YAH Elohim also said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make for him a suitable helper.” And out of the ground YAH Elohim formed every beast of the field and every bird of the air, and He brought them to the man to see what he would name each one. And whatever the man called each living creature, that was its name. The man gave names to all the livestock, to the birds of the air, and to every beast of the field. But for Adam no suitable helper was found. So YAH Elohim caused the man to fall into a deep sleep, and while he slept, He took one of the man’s ribs and closed up the area with flesh. And from the rib that YAH Elohim had taken from the man, He made a woman and brought her to him. And the man said: “This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called ‘woman,’ for out of man she was taken.” For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh. And the man and his wife were both naked, and they were not ashamed.”
‭‭Genesis‬ ‭2‬:‭18‬-‭25‬‬‬

“Wives, in the same way, submit yourselves to your husbands, so that even if they refuse to believe The Word, they will be won over without words by the behavior of their wives when they see your pure and reverent demeanor. Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair or gold jewelry or fine clothes, but from the inner disposition of your heart, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is precious in YAH’s sight. For this is how the holy women of the past adorned themselves. They put their hope in YAH and were submissive to their husbands, just as Sarah obeyed Abraham and called him master. And you are her children if you do what is right and refuse to give way to fear. Husbands, in the same way, treat your wives with consideration as a delicate vessel, and with honor as fellow heirs of the gracious gift of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered.”
‭‭1 Peter‬ ‭3‬:‭1‬-‭7‬ ‭‬‬

“Submit to one another out of reverence for Messiah. Wives, submit to your husbands as to The Messiah. For the husband is the head of the wife as Messiah is the head of the assembly, His body, of which He is the Savior. Now as the assembly submits to Messiah, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Messiah loved the assembly and gave Himself up for her to sanctify her, cleansing her by the washing with water through The Word, and to present her to Himself as a glorious assembly, without stain or wrinkle or any such blemish, but holy and blameless. In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. Indeed, no one ever hated his own body, but he nourishes and cherishes it, just as Messiah does the assembly. For we are members of His body. “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” This mystery is profound, but I am speaking about Messiah and the assembly. Nevertheless, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.”
‭‭Ephesians‬ ‭5‬:‭21‬-‭33‬

“Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in The Messiah. Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them. Children, obey your parents in everything, for this is pleasing to The Messiah. Fathers, do not provoke your children, so they will not become discouraged.”
‭‭Colossians‬ ‭3‬:‭18‬-‭21‬ ‭

“Now for the matters you wrote about: It is good to abstain from sexual relations. But because there is so much sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman her own husband. The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife. Do not deprive each other, except by mutual consent and for a time, so you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again, so that Satan will not tempt you through your lack of self-control. I say this as a concession, not as a command. I wish that all men were as I am. But each man has his own gift from YAH; one has this gift, another has that. Now to the unmarried and widows I say this: It is good for them to remain unmarried, as I am. But if they cannot control themselves, let them marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion. To the married I give this command (not I, but YAH): A wife must not separate from her husband. But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband. And a husband must not divorce his wife. To the rest I say this (I, not YAH): If a brother has an unbelieving wife and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. And if a woman has an unbelieving husband and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. For the unbelieving husband is sanctified through his believing wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but now they are holy. But if the unbeliever leaves, let him go. The believing brother or sister is not bound in such cases. YAH has called you to live in peace. How do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife? Regardless, each one should lead the life that YAH has assigned to him and to which YAH has called him. This is what I prescribe in all the assemblies. Now about virgins, I have no command from YAH, but I give a judgment as one who by YAH’s mercy is trustworthy. Because of the present crisis, I think it is good for a man to remain as he is. Are you committed to a wife? Do not seek to be released. Are you free of commitment? Do not look for a wife. But if you do marry, you have not sinned. And if a virgin marries, she has not sinned. But those who marry will face troubles in this life, and I want to spare you this. What I am saying, brothers, is that the time is short. From now on those who have wives should live as if they had none; those who weep, as if they did not; those who are joyful, as if they were not; those who make a purchase, as if they had nothing; and those who use the things of this world, as if not dependent on them. For this world in its present form is passing away. I want you to be free from concern. The unmarried man is concerned about the work of YAH, how he can please YAH. But the married man is concerned about the affairs of this world, how he can please his wife, and his interests are divided. The unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the work of YAH, how she can be holy in both body and spirit. But the married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world, how she can please her husband. I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but in order to promote proper decorum and undivided devotion to YAH. However, if someone thinks he is acting inappropriately toward his betrothed, and if she is beyond her youth and they ought to marry, let him do as he wishes; he is not sinning; they should get married. But the man who is firmly established in his heart and under no constraint, with control over his will and resolve in his heart not to marry the virgin, he will do well. So then, he who marries the virgin does well, but he who does not marry her does even better. A wife is bound to her husband as long as he lives. But if her husband dies, she is free to marry anyone she wishes, as long as he belongs to the Lord. In my judgment, however, she is happier if she remains as she is. And I think that I too have the Spirit of YAH.”
‭‭1 Corinthians‬ ‭7‬:‭1‬-‭17‬, ‭25‬-‭40‬‬‬